Cliff C.
Photography by Margeaux Edwards
If you're reading this, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Grief is a pain to deal with no matter who you are. And I went through it from March 2022 to April 2022.
From the beginning, I was as happy as a person who suffers from severe mental disorders can be. I always lived on the brink of breakdown every day, but I always pushed through with a smile. Life is not easy, and I knew that.
Everything began to crash in the middle of March when I found out one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer again. This put me in a worse spot that made me begin my mental breakdowns. I couldn’t handle things and eventually suffered from a psychotic break. I could not distinguish real from fake at most moments, but I kept attending everything I could to hope to find light in my life.
Early April hit me like a truck with losing a friendship I thought I could trust. This is what truly made me break. Quickly, my mental health declined even further. To cope with this, I revisited some happy moments in my life. These moments ranged from events I previously attended, or music that I listen to when I get into a depressive state.
Over the month my mental health kept declining, and by the middle of the month, I could not walk anywhere without breaking down afterward. I had some stress the week this started happening, and I could not opt out of my music ensemble performances, so I attended them with fear of breaking down again. Near the end of the week, it got so bad that I could not go anywhere.
Earlier that week I had decided that I would admit myself to the emergency room if things got worse. When it finally did, I opted to go to the emergency room that following Tuesday.
So, when Tuesday finally hit, I attended my classes for the day and ran into a friend on my way back to my dorm. I shared a moment talking with them that ended with a hug after I explained what was going on.
I called 911 when I got back to my dorm and was quickly transported to the emergency room. I was severely depressed. After I left the hospital, I was so mentally drained I could not attend classes for the rest of the week or feel anything emotionally. I spent the rest of the week preparing for the one final I had left since I finished all other finals the week prior in preparation for the emergency room visit.
The experience at the hospital made a switch click in my mind and helped me get my life back on track. Since then, I have grown a lot as a person and have become slightly happier. But I am constantly reminded of what happened that month and things get hard when that happens. But I know I can strive to be better as a person.
My call to action for you as a reader is to not be afraid to receive the help you need, no matter how extreme the help can be. Your life matters more than anything else.
Cliff C. (she/her), Washington State University
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