Bryce T.
Photography by Natalie Bell, ‘26
If you're reading this, live life backwards.
My name is Bryce Tonkin, I’m a member of the SMU Class of 2024, and one day I am going to die. So will you. It’s inevitable. Inescapable. Unavoidable. So...what now?
If you are anything like me, thinking about the reality of death is a bit uncomfortable. In fact, I often find myself simply unwilling to reflect on it at all, or I convince myself that it is so far away that it is not worth thinking about. But, with our mortality, as so often happens with any of those things we attempt to ignore or avoid, the inevitabilities of life force themselves upon us in their own timing.
For me, the realization happened over this past summer with the death of my grandfather. He is the first grandparent I have ever lost. Even though he had spent years suffering from dementia, and his passing was not unexpected, the pain of losing him was still very real.
Death, especially the death of a loved one, has a tendency to bring about a certain nihilism in us. “What is this all for?” “Why is there so much pain?” “Is life, with all its hardships, even worth it?” “Is there meaning to all of this?” These were the questions that floated through my mind in the weeks and months following my grandfather’s death. I am sure, at one point or another, that you have found yourself wondering the same sorts of things. What is the point of life, with all its fleeting joys and momentary pleasures, when in the end it all comes to naught?
As this semester began, these questions continued to plague me. The stress of school and the sinking realization that this was my last year of college only served to increase my anxiety. One day, while getting lunch with a pastor from my church, I relayed my general stress over the uncertainty I had been feeling. He listened kindly, and spared me the empty platitudes of “things will turn around soon” or “every cloud has a silver lining if you look hard enough.”Instead, he simply said that he would pray for me and he recommended I read a short book called Living Life Backwards.
The next week, I took a trip to the bookstore and picked up a copy of the book. I devoured it over the next few days. In the book, the author offers commentary on an Old Testament book, Ecclesiastes. Essentially, the author concludes that the good news of Ecclesiastes is that one day we are all going to die. Let me explain.
Ecclesiastes begins, “Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity”. What this means is that everything is fleeting, like smoke or vapor - it’s not here to last. Even those things in our life which seem most certain, whether it is a friend who we cannot imagine life without or a job that we think we must have or even a grandparent whose smile inhabits our earliest memories, can all disappear in an instant. Like your breath in the cold, winter air, they fade away. Death takes things from us, and one day it will take us from the ones we love.
This does not mean that earthly joys and the blessings of a life lived well are meaningless, it just means that those things are not ultimate. Once we accept that life’s joys are not ultimate, we can live in light of that reality. When we live life backwards and readily surrender to the reality that death will eventually take everything from us, and take us from everything, we are set free to revel in the momentary pleasures of life for what they are.
The problem is not really the things in life. The problem is not your career, your friendships, how much money you make, or what clothes you wear, the problem is how much worth you place in things that were only ever meant to be temporary. Because the only thing truly capable of upholding the weight of all our expectations and yearnings, the only one who can satisfy all of our desires, is the eternal and imperishable God - not the fleeting things of this world. That is not to say that these temporary things should not be enjoyed, but rather they should not be the source of our joy.
When we stop relying on things and others to satisfy us and give our lives meaning, we are free to enjoy life to the fullest. We are free to revel in all the facets of a life lived backwards. We are free to cry because we have also laughed. We are free to enjoy times of plenty because we have made it through times of little. We are able to say “goodbye” because we were once privileged to say that first “hello.”
Life is full of so many precious moments. Don’t miss them. Don’t demand more from them than what they were meant for. Don’t cast them away as meaningless. They aren’t just moments, but many moments placed side-by-side make for one beautiful life.
So, prepare to die. Live life backwards. Enjoy the fleeting blessings, they are beautiful in their impermanence.
Bryce T., Southern Methodist University
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