Beau B.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to be selfish.
I came to UVA ready to take on the world. I felt prepared, comfortable in my own skin, and eager for what was to come. I made friends, met a girl, and had a spot on one of the best soccer teams in the country, all in a matter of weeks after arriving in July. From the outside, I looked like a guy that had lots going for him.
About 6 months before that, I was a trainwreck. A culmination of internal struggles had led to a night where I was prepared to take my own life. Throughout high school I never felt comfortable. Externally I was a high achiever: straight A student, decent athlete, and a fairly popular guy in most circles. Yet, I was deeply unhappy.
I never liked high school. I transferred schools after two years for a change of scenery, only to find myself still uncomfortable. Since I was young for my grade, my parents and I decided that it would be incredibly beneficial to repeat my senior year at a prep school in New England. The hope was that I would mature and prepare myself for college academics and athletics. I look back at that year and am eternally grateful for it. But, while I was there, it was the darkest time of my life.
Entering this new school where most people had lived together and known each other for years was incredibly challenging. I quickly became so fixated on what other people thought of me that I sacrificed my own personal identity to please others. I thought that if I became what other people wanted that I would find my place. I was in search of approval from people I barely knew and weighed my happiness entirely on things outside of my control. I fell into a deep depression after events that I had no say over. I reached a breaking point after months of this behavior. I saw no end in sight, and felt my life was not worth living. I felt betrayed, lonely, and insignificant. I became so engrossed in my dark thoughts that I felt there was only one answer that would allow me to escape from my depression. The night where I decided to end my life will remain etched in my memory forever. I was incredibly lucky to be stopped, and I am eternally grateful for the people that took care of me that night.
I spent the following week at home feeling drained, embarrassed, and scared of myself. I don’t know what made me flip the switch to take action in getting myself back on my feet, I just remember what came to mind when I had some time alone. I had to take control of my life. I had to do things for myself. I had to be selfish.
The day I got back to school, I wrote a list of goals on a small piece of paper and taped them to the inside of my closet. Some goals were crazier than others, but they were all things that I wanted to do for one person, myself. The one goal that I remember was a crazy one: Pole vault over 10 feet. I had never pole vaulted in my entire life. But in digging myself out from the depths of my sorrow I felt a strong desire to make myself uncomfortable and see what I was capable of. Ideas flowed through me, and as I put pen to paper, I became obsessed with checking them off the list.
I spent the last few months at prep school looking at the list of goals every day and seeing what was next. It was beautiful. It wasn’t truly about checking each one off the list, but more so about the process of trying things for myself, without a care in the world of what other people thought. I needed time to focus on myself, and this was the way to do it.
Those months were the most transformative times of my life. Yes, I checked off the goals, even the pole vault, but even more importantly, for the first time in high school, I felt like I was in control. The opinions that I was so worried throughout high school were never going to be the source of my own happiness. I realized there was no point in worrying about what other people thought if it meant I wasn't happy with myself.
The reason why I’m writing this is because I know I’m not alone. I know there are other people out there, friends, teammates, and family of mine that are struggling. It’s natural to worry about what other people think. Just know that you are enough. No matter how dark it may get, there’s light at the end of the tunnel and you can do it.
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to put yourself first.
Beau B., University of Virginia ’21
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